It’s been a busy week and a half. Between last Saturday and today, I’ve done three auditions and driven something like 800 miles (more than I care to). Now that that’s over, there’s finally time to just sit down and reflect on the experience.
It’s easy enough to recall back to a year ago, when I was rapidly auditioning at conservatories. While these auditions certainly had more at stake (ie my future) than the ones I did this year, somehow the process of doing so many was enough to eradicate the nerves that usually plague me. So it was a little surprising when I found myself nervous again in the hours leading up to the first audition. Walking into the room, I could feel my mouth dry completely. Standing in the crook of the piano, I was distinctly aware of my right heel drilling into the ground.
The ones this weekend were easier. Saturday’s audition included a very productive five minutes with Heidi Skok that are already taking influence over my developing technique. I believe I was too excited at being in New York City (admittedly, a place I loathe but that is for another post) to actually acknowledge that I was really too young to be auditioning for this program and that I would be judged by people who had sung at The Met. Somehow, walking out of that audition, I felt I had once again found my stride.
Unfortunately, every singer also has off-days vocally, even when the nerves are kept in check.
Perhaps it was exhaustion, but I probably wasn’t as dedicated to today’s audition as I could have been. My “warm-up” period was minimal at best and very unfocused. Yet I still wasn’t ready to walk into that room and hear myself crack and grovel my way through a piece I usually own. And so, as the music progressed and my mind started to panic, I stared out across the room in a desperate effort to pretend nothing was wrong. Of course, giving off the impression that I usually sing like a frog was not what I had driven an hour to do but suddenly, I didn’t have much of a choice. What I truly wanted to do, to stop singing right there, apologize, and leave, was impossible.
It is acknowledged that these things happen. There will always be an audition that makes us want to melt into the floor so that we can spare both ourselves and the judges the unjust misery of completing the song. The last time I had an audition like that, I think, was two years ago at my audition for Penn State. But for some odd reason, right now I feel quite content. Yes, I blew the audition. But that happens to absolutely everyone. I blew one that wasn’t important (well, they all are or else I wouldn’t audition, but this one less so) and I managed to fail miserably in what I hope was a graceful fashion. That, was a first.
I think, at the end of the day, it comes back to how much confidence we have in ourselves. I still spend the majority of my time wondering if I can actually carry a tune, let alone sing well, but the hours that I am able to suppress such thoughts are becoming more frequent. And that’s what I have to fall back on. When I fail an audition, or even when I do well, having the security of knowing both my limits and my strengths can carry me through. There will always be another audition and, in the meantime, there will always be something else to work on. If there wasn’t, singing would get awfully boring very fast.
